It was during one of our pre-marriage counseling sessions.  Whether you have a church or civil ceremony, I highly recommend it.   It’s a great devil’s advocacy and a number of questions and scenarios were posed that made us think:

“What if one of your parents gets seriously ill?  What if a job takes you out-of-state and away from family?  How many children will you have?”  We had some healthy discussions about each, giving honest answers and coming to an agreement on each point.  I remember feeling pretty sure about my answers, as did April.  We even revisit the questions from time-to-time to make sure in our experiences and aging that we still agree.

But it was the “you come first” statement that resonated and still cycles through my brain today.  The counselor was referring to the foundation of our relationship, like the foundation of anything, without being strong and steady cannot support anything or anyone else.

Isn’t the cliché the opposite advice?  So many relationships “preserved” for the sake of the children.  I’ve even heard of couples staying together for household pets!  How depressing is that when your passion for the love of your life is subjugated by a dog!

More depressing still is when we age and settle into life, routine and in many cases, “house arrest.”  Indeed, how many of us get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed.  One might as well have an anklet and a parole officer.

In the evening classes I teach from time-to-time, I’m often told by adult students that they “didn’t have time” to do their homework.  I counter by challenging that in a 24-hour period, they were able to fit in the necessities of eating, sleeping and using the facilities.  Somehow, they made time for what was important.  So the question remained, is what they were involved in truly important?

As it applies to your relationship, do you still look at the love of your life as the love of your life?  Do you eagerly return to them anxious even to merely be side by side doing nothing?

When was the last time you asked your “the one” what sounded like fun instead of what sounded good for dinner?  How about asking about their day and not in the mindless reflex so many ask a stranger on the street?

When practical matters outweigh abandon, you’re on a slippery slope.  Your great love is now a business partner, a room mate, or a time-share associate.

Seek new ways to enjoy each other’s company – a new restaurant, club, something from the dream “to-do” list, or even re-live your first date.

Keeping the passion for each other will have a ripple effect to your quality of life and that of your children.  You’ll also role model a healthy relationship for them.  I for one had no doubt as a child that my dad loved my mom, and learned how to be a similar role model for my kids.

I paraphrase Casanova:  “A great lover is not one who romances a new partner every night, but rather one who romances a single partner for life.”

Everyone has a certain degree of introspection.  And isn’t the point to work on the next stage of your growth?  Only the arrogant or foolish think they’ve nothing else to learn.

It’s the same with business.  You don’t have to wait until tax time to recognize what’s working and what’s not.  Ultimately, every business should reflect constantly on what it stands for – just the cold bottom line or something more?

The same reflection should be used to re-commit to what IS working and what values your company represents.

The great triumvirate seems to be price, quality and personality.  It seems too many folks get hung up on price to the point that they’ll accept the most poorly-made product with the worst service as long as it’s cheap.  Pretty short-sighted if you ask me.

Life is too short not to be enjoyed.  As a typical guy who doesn’t like to shop, I’m willing to focus on developing a relationship with a merchant or service provider I can trust, someone who will truly help me expedite the process, and won’t take me for granted.  Just the time I save on such a relationship translates into a lot of money saved from driving around, missing work, or just general depreciation of my life.  Think about it – how much is your time worth?  Be as egotistical as you want and put it into the equation.

So in reflecting on what your business stands for, keep your priorities strong.  Keep your enjoyment of what you do alive.  Look to improve whenever you can for the benefit of both you and your customers.  If you can give more, consider it good will.  Why be stingy with your gifts?

With such a focus, not only will your bottom line stay  healthy but you’ll also have integrity – and that’s priceless.

Then, as I aged and started to gain wisdom (a life-long process, I might add) I came to learn of all the stresses that life places on us to keep the magic strong for the next generation.

It almost seems sadistic, doesn’t it?  As if the rights of passage should be to experience disillusion and practical matters outweigh abandon.

But I write in the spirit of keeping all things in balance to state that it need not be that way.  It’s all about identifying habits, breaking bad ones and developing (or strengthening) good ones.  You can apply these focus areas to your work load, house load or family load:

1)      Know your limitations!  Everyone seems to work hard and not smart.  I recognize that I have an almost supernatural energy compared to my wife, who goes in shifts – highly productive/take a nap/highly productive/take a nap.  Don’t try to beat a dead horse and accept that your to-do list should fall on your most energetic periods.  As it applies to the holidays, you may wish to be a “Griswold” with the lights, but a simple display can be tasteful and quickly-executed.

2)      You will only be good at so many things.  You will always have an area that isn’t perfect and probably never will be.  Accept this, seek help for that weakness and thrive in your strengths.  Honestly, you may dream of being a C.F.O. someday, but what if you’re really a marketing genius?  Why deny the world that gift?  An example for the holidays:  Maybe you hate wrapping gifts – but I’ll bet you could have a little helper who will both enjoy the process and impress relatives with their skills – or at least the effort.

3)      Pace yourself.  Don’t make impossible lists.  Rather, prioritize and make a deal with yourself to be happy if you only get the “A1” item done by the end of the day (or period of days, if it’s meant to be – don’t cram unreasonable expectations into a finite period!  That’s a definition of insanity.)  For the holidays, use the term “really?”  as in, are you “really” going to be able to set up and decorate the whole tree in an hour?  REALLY?  You’ll find a whole new level of honesty with yourself and with others.

4)      Take time to savor.  This is a great to-do for those weak periods in your day.  When your energy is down, plan for other peak periods.  Reflect on what’s working and what needs to change.  Just meditate and get back in focus.  Any of these are great things to do for your low-energy points.  For the holidays, don’t forget why we have the holidays in the first place!  Celebrating and commemorating shouldn’t be exhausting.

5)      Don’t expect anyone to be you.  Whether it’s a co-worker on the job or one of your kids around the house, you are you.  Your gifts and talents are what make you special and valued.  Don’t project your focus on anyone else.  They’ll only resent it and you – and productivity suffers as a result.  Find the best way for them to participate in a task that they will succeed in and involve accordingly.  Every Santa needs elves.  And neither one can be the other.

This prescription will work whether you’re a housewife (or househusband) or the C.E.O. of a fortune 500 company.  Try it for a month and see for yourself!  Happy holidays!

Many worry about nurturing their inner child.  I’ve been told I have an inner adult.  There is just too much to enjoy in life and it should be enjoyed with the enthusiasm of a child.

And the holidays are a wonderful recharge for that.  Just as Halloween is embraced as an opportunity for adults to behave like children, so too should Christmas be embraced as an opportunity for adults to believe like children.

For those of you who are having trouble re-connecting, let me give you a little refresher course:

Children expect nothing and therefore are always surprised.  Adults expect everything and therefore are always disappointed.

Children don’t care about your job, title, power or the money you make.  Adults obsess over them.

Children are brutally honest.  Adults worry about other people’s issues with themselves.

Children take you at face value.  You don’t need to prove yourself to a child – their trust is yours to lose.  Adults demand undeserved respect and establish rules for propriety.

I recently met a mother and her 4 year old son at a festival my company had a presence at.  The son was full of energy and excitement – even when nothing was happening.  The anticipation of the day’s events was good enough for him.  No, he wasn’t “out of control” or “hyper,” he simply wanted to enjoy life.  He couldn’t wait to tackle the day – “carpe diem!”

The mother looked at her son and said, “I wish I had his energy.”  Setting youth aside, I’ve met a number of old, even infirmed adults with that same enthusiasm.  Energy has very little to do with it.  It’s more a choice to be.

The choice has nothing to do with possessions either.  I don’t remember a moment from my childhood where the truck I played with in the sandbox needed to be replaced with the newest model.

So where does the magic go for most of us?  When did our imagination and creativity receive the school yard beat down?

It doesn’t take an effort to enjoy life.  It’s simply a terrible habit to allow life to pass you by. Apathy is arguably the core of all major problems in the world today.

It’s a sad development in everyone’s life where practical matters outweigh abandon.  We see it in all relationships – friends, marriages, even our treatment of ourselves.  We look for leadership, and many politicians do an exceptional job of convincing us of our priorities – subjecting art and music programs to budget cuts.   Can anyone show me where a football program has been cut to promote better test scores?  I dare say that the proponents of these choices are not creative nor were they ever encouraged to be so.

So to encourage imagination, creativity and the belief in things wonderful and magical is to raise a generation of creative problem-solvers – those who ask “why not?” instead of react to problems with a quick fix.

I still don’t look for the strings at a magic show and Santa visits my house every year.  Will you try to stay awake to see him this year or wake up to coal in your stocking?

There is some real truth in that.  If your energies are divided by looking behind, you’ll lose sight of what’s ahead.  You’ll be distracted and progress will suffer.

I ran track in high school and college and one major thing you never did was look behind you in the race.  It threw off your pace, form, and could even cause you to trip and fall.  Considering some of the foul surfaces I was forced to compete on, it was dangerous to regard the competition!

So too will regarding the competition be dangerous to your business life.  You may be chasing or being chased, but to build a quality business, you need to have a quality foundation.  If there is no ethical, competent base, one can’t very well sustain anything.

I have a “competitor” who often chases us in business.  Ironically, this company (which shall remain nameless – I don’t want to disparage) has been in business decades longer and should be monopolizing the market.  Instead, I find many best practices for us emulated by them.

One would say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but in this case, their efforts are lackluster – as if they don’t speak the language of business and are mimicking what they don’t understand.

Have you seen “funny home videos” of the occasional dog who can mouth a word like “momma?”  It’s pretty cute, but the dog has no clue of what it’s saying.

So to the title, how are these experiences helpful to me?  It only proves that what my company does is preferred, and the market says it with its support.  Not only that, but many of our customers tell us what our “competition” is trying and how weasel-like it comes across.

The bottom line?  Ethics win!  Like any relationship, if you try too hard, you’ll only meet with disaster.  If you’re relaxed, know your value, and enjoy the experience, you’ll attract others to you.

Look for the comparison in your own business.  Hopefully, you’re not the desperate one.

I’m sure it’s different from yours, just as your dreams, goal, and all experiences towards those ends are.  Then again, I’d hope that we would have similar revelations along the way – especially if we aspire to be noble.

But how often are you reminded?  Do you set post-its in front of you, have an alarm to wake you up from apathy, or a support group who keeps you motivated?

It’s a key change from the support and nurturing of our childhood to the constant struggle as adults.  I don’t run into a lot of mentoring experiences, nor do I meet a lot of people who are mentored.  One can only hope and pray that the adults in the world are receiving continued guidance – otherwise, what’s to prevent chaos?

But I digress – I’m not paranoid nor do I subscribe to theories about the apocalypse.  Maybe it’s ignorance, but really – what are you going to do about such things anyway?

So in the meantime, I focus on the here and now.  Tomorrow is not a guarantee and yesterday is unchangeable.

I believe there are 5 major areas we should all keep strong to enjoy a well-balanced and joyful existence:  Personal, professional, physical, emotional and spiritual.  Each of these has a purpose:

Personal is your friendships, family, spouse/significant other.

Professional is your vocation or career.

Physical is your personal health and fitness

Emotional is your mental well-being.

Spiritual is your system of beliefs.

Each of these areas has a state of flux.  I don’t often have a perfect “5 by 5″ nor do I often encounter anyone else who does – BUT, there is a purpose for each category and a role I need to fulfill towards achieving success.

Will you be reminded – and reminded often – of your purpose?  Or will your life stagnate in any area?  Seek to have a fire lit under you, a bird in your ear, or just a gentle nagging to keep your purpose and its progress.

But there are several things I’ve learned over the years both as a parent and a professional that are undeniable once discovered and I’d like to share them with you: 

Costumes:  Kids can come up with some wonderful (and potentially expensive) ideas for costumes.  Before you agree to anything, do a little research to create choices.  The last thing you want to deal with is trying to find a costume that’s out-of-stock (think Christmas-time for costumes) or doesn’t exist to begin with, forcing you to dig deep and create from scratch yourself.  

A parent trained in “verbal judo” will be able to re-direct their child’s idea to these pre-determined, doable options.  Help them understand that there are “column A, column B and column C” – and if they’re into a lot of different things, you’ll be able to direct them to the right answer.

On the other hand, the best costumes I’ve ever seen were home made.  But if you don’t have the time to sew, you may still be able to create the right effect with household items.  Old sheets still make the best ghosts, shredded old clothes are perfect for zombies or werewolves, and dress-up clothes are perfect for princesses. 

If you choose to purchase (and you know it exists) you can find a number of on-line retailers who will have many options for you.  They have variations as well, so you can pick the least expensive costume (and only show your child that one.) Do the research alone first, because any specialty costume shop online or in the city has ALL the options and you’ll want to avoid impact or questions. 

If you’re not sure about sizes, many of the specialty stores have dressing rooms. Again, make a preliminary run without the kids so you can create a path through the store and shield their eyes (and your ears from questions.)  If you’d rather not risk it, stick with the big box stores.  They’ll have limited options, but also limited impact. 

If specialty shops are the only option, there are a few other things to be aware of.  Even though many have dressing rooms, they are makeshift and not very secure.  Be prepared to stand in front of the flimsy curtain “door” they set up for added coverage of your little goblin-to-be.  When trying on a costume, go for a size bigger than you think you need.  To keep costs down, the stitching is minimal and the cloth used is as thin as possible to provide the effect.    I.e., they’re sometimes “see-through” and they rip easily. If you can avoid trying the costume on and longevity is not a concern, at least make sure the costume is in good shape to begin with.  You may not be the first person to have worn it (cleaning before wearing may be a wise decision.)  Also remember that many specialty shops have a no-return policy, so be sure you’re comfortable with the selection before purchasing. 

Accessories:  Again, there are a number of options.  Once you’ve streamlined the theme for you or your child, you may find that accessories ARE the costume entirely.   A mask could be the entire costume (for example the werewolf head – no one really looks below the neck on those.)  However, I’ve also found masks come in 2 categories – easily broken (remember the little rubber band strap?  It still exists), or hot & hard-to-see-through.  Even the most awesome-looking (and very expensive) mask will have severely limited vision, only more restricted by walking around in the dark.

So consider a simple and effective approach.  For example, a black sweat suit can be painted with fluorescent fabric paint and a skeleton costume can be created.  Complete the effect with face painting.  Beware what kind of makeup you use.  The grease paint kits in the stores are hard to create the right effect with and hard to clean off (baby oil is your friend for those.)  Face paint kits sold in stores are most often tempera paint which will crack and flake off easily, turning your clown into a zombie clown.  You may also want to do a test patch on the skin to check for potential allergic reaction.   In both cases, don’t be tempted to save the makeup for next year.  All makeup has an expiration date, and paint will grow mold in it.  Just throw it out and start fresh next year. 

The “Haunt”:  Haunted houses are scary/fun but I’ve never seen one that was “merry not scary” or completely “blood & guts free.”  Be warned that if you’re child is not into being constantly startled, don’t go!  The more imaginative child will have nightmares from just about anything, so don’t assume because they have lots of ideas and creativity that they’ll enjoy the experience.  You’ll more likely scar them for life.

Consider having a party at your house, or a joint party among friends.  You can control the options from the snacks to the “scares.”  If you’re not into a lot of preparation, turn to the professionals.  Make the party a “pre-trick-or-treat” event and hire a professional makeup artist to come to your home, complete the costumes with facial work, and take pictures of the kids for souvenirs; Have a professional magician, story teller, or even animal show for the guests; You can even hire an “exterior decorator” create an on-site haunted house to your specifications (I’m personally affiliated with such quality professionals and would be happy to make recommendations.)

I marvel at how both my wife’s and my talents emerge in each of our children.  Some have more of a certain gift than another, and some have entirely new talents and abilities that excite me when I think about the potential.  But, I also recognize that they need to be passionate about that potential as well.  It’s a delicate balance. 

There is an extension to the formula into our adulthood.  A career path can be influenced, inspired or directed by others.  Have you ever found that you’re being groomed to be someone else’s “replacement?”

Sometimes the comparissons are to people we don’t even know!  I often hear about someone doing something similar to what I do, or so-and-so’s brother/friend from college/uncle being really talented.  It always seems to me like an effort to diminish my efforts or abilities as “not so special.” 

When did the encouragement we received as children stop?  Why are we always comparing and judging instead of just celebrating variety?  So many things make an individual unique and yet the headlines all focus on the superficial – race, sex, orientation, handicap and so on.

I spend a lot of time NOT watching the news – especially anything reporting on entertainment.  I make connections with talented people outside of my profession, and I focus on my own path regardless of “who else is doing that.”  Isn’t that just the adult version of “mind your own business?”

If we all minded our own business, imagine how productive we could all be – and how much room we would have to enjoy our life – and celebrate others’ accomplishments.

Onward and upward!

Now do you remember where you left that wondrous gift?  Is it even in your possession anymore? 

How quickly we change.  Even as adults, too many of us look for the bigger, better deal or the new shiny object.  A wise person once said that a free man has nothing.  Somewhere between quality of life and poverty lies the balance.

A career is much like that.  I’m not speaking about how much money you should make, but the vocation that gives you a reason for getting out of bed.  With as short as life is, we should all have one.  But a very precious few are actually “living the dream.”  Or, they work hard to get where they think they should be, only to find it lacks luster relatively quickly – just like the Christmas gift.

Even the deeply-reflective, carefully-planning, “eyes wide open” career holders can wind up in a rut.  I remember many investigations, correspondence, job shadows and soul searching about “what I should be when I grow up.”  Granted, many interesting people still don’t know at 50.  I just happened to decide at 7.  And yet, I still have many experiences that prove to be the “job” part of “living the dream.”

So it’s about shifting your focus, isn’t it?  Remembering why you are where you are and reflecting on the more romantic and even honorable aspects of the job.  Embracing your purpose and posting reminders of it everywhere, if need be.

Just like your diet, you can’t eat junk food all day every day.  You’re going to have to ingest some fiber sometime.  Recognize that any position is going to have “brussel sprouts” – as long as you’re not spending your whole day eating them.

Onward and upward!

As the last of my “spec work” falls off the grid, I reflect again on the habits I’m arresting – and the new ones I hope to form.

Through these posts I’ve discussed many of the classic problems that seem timeless in the art world,  most stemming from a personality that (as a very wise person once said) never wants to “put any skin in the game.”

And now I propose the following for your own reflection:   turn your thoughts toward the relationships that you lead, such as with those that support you – even staffing.  Are you training and developing well, or just “well enough?”

I paraphrase Reagan: “surround yourself with those who are good at what you aren’t, and let them do their job.”  Ask yourself, “When it comes to my own goals and strategy, am I forcing others to be that which I cannot?  Or am I recognizing limitations and allowing for a limited growth?”

It’s counter-cultural to be patient.  There’s even an increase in a.d.d. symptoms as more people try to master multi-tasking.  Fruitless efforts are met with a drop in I.Q.

Maybe the “skin you need to put in the game” is not only patience for the right outcome, but even for the right person, limiting yourself (and even potential growth) to that which you can completely command.  

As my own worst enemy I need to keep cogniscent of such a tendency.  If I can’t do “perfect” on a small scale, I certainly can’t do better by overcompensating.