Many years ago, my then-wife-to-be and I received some powerful direction:  “You come first.”

It was during one of our pre-marriage counseling sessions.  Whether you have a church or civil ceremony, I highly recommend it.   It’s a great devil’s advocacy and a number of questions and scenarios were posed that made us think:

“What if one of your parents gets seriously ill?  What if a job takes you out-of-state and away from family?  How many children will you have?”  We had some healthy discussions about each, giving honest answers and coming to an agreement on each point.  I remember feeling pretty sure about my answers, as did April.  We even revisit the questions from time-to-time to make sure in our experiences and aging that we still agree.

But it was the “you come first” statement that resonated and still cycles through my brain today.  The counselor was referring to the foundation of our relationship, like the foundation of anything, without being strong and steady cannot support anything or anyone else.

Isn’t the cliché the opposite advice?  So many relationships “preserved” for the sake of the children.  I’ve even heard of couples staying together for household pets!  How depressing is that when your passion for the love of your life is subjugated by a dog!

More depressing still is when we age and settle into life, routine and in many cases, “house arrest.”  Indeed, how many of us get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed.  One might as well have an anklet and a parole officer.

In the evening classes I teach from time-to-time, I’m often told by adult students that they “didn’t have time” to do their homework.  I counter by challenging that in a 24-hour period, they were able to fit in the necessities of eating, sleeping and using the facilities.  Somehow, they made time for what was important.  So the question remained, is what they were involved in truly important?

As it applies to your relationship, do you still look at the love of your life as the love of your life?  Do you eagerly return to them anxious even to merely be side by side doing nothing?

When was the last time you asked your “the one” what sounded like fun instead of what sounded good for dinner?  How about asking about their day and not in the mindless reflex so many ask a stranger on the street?

When practical matters outweigh abandon, you’re on a slippery slope.  Your great love is now a business partner, a room mate, or a time-share associate.

Seek new ways to enjoy each other’s company – a new restaurant, club, something from the dream “to-do” list, or even re-live your first date.

Keeping the passion for each other will have a ripple effect to your quality of life and that of your children.  You’ll also role model a healthy relationship for them.  I for one had no doubt as a child that my dad loved my mom, and learned how to be a similar role model for my kids.

I paraphrase Casanova:  “A great lover is not one who romances a new partner every night, but rather one who romances a single partner for life.”

It’s the season of resolutions again.  I used to look forward to the activity until I found that one needn’t make a resolution just on January 1st.  You can work on improving something anytime you want.

Everyone has a certain degree of introspection.  And isn’t the point to work on the next stage of your growth?  Only the arrogant or foolish think they’ve nothing else to learn.

It’s the same with business.  You don’t have to wait until tax time to recognize what’s working and what’s not.  Ultimately, every business should reflect constantly on what it stands for – just the cold bottom line or something more?

The same reflection should be used to re-commit to what IS working and what values your company represents.

The great triumvirate seems to be price, quality and personality.  It seems too many folks get hung up on price to the point that they’ll accept the most poorly-made product with the worst service as long as it’s cheap.  Pretty short-sighted if you ask me.

Life is too short not to be enjoyed.  As a typical guy who doesn’t like to shop, I’m willing to focus on developing a relationship with a merchant or service provider I can trust, someone who will truly help me expedite the process, and won’t take me for granted.  Just the time I save on such a relationship translates into a lot of money saved from driving around, missing work, or just general depreciation of my life.  Think about it – how much is your time worth?  Be as egotistical as you want and put it into the equation.

So in reflecting on what your business stands for, keep your priorities strong.  Keep your enjoyment of what you do alive.  Look to improve whenever you can for the benefit of both you and your customers.  If you can give more, consider it good will.  Why be stingy with your gifts?

With such a focus, not only will your bottom line stay  healthy but you’ll also have integrity – and that’s priceless.

With the holidays upon us, many people get stressed out.  This always struck me as ironic – especially when I was young – how could such a magical time of year be stressful?

Then, as I aged and started to gain wisdom (a life-long process, I might add) I came to learn of all the stresses that life places on us to keep the magic strong for the next generation.

It almost seems sadistic, doesn’t it?  As if the rights of passage should be to experience disillusion and practical matters outweigh abandon.

But I write in the spirit of keeping all things in balance to state that it need not be that way.  It’s all about identifying habits, breaking bad ones and developing (or strengthening) good ones.  You can apply these focus areas to your work load, house load or family load:

1)      Know your limitations!  Everyone seems to work hard and not smart.  I recognize that I have an almost supernatural energy compared to my wife, who goes in shifts – highly productive/take a nap/highly productive/take a nap.  Don’t try to beat a dead horse and accept that your to-do list should fall on your most energetic periods.  As it applies to the holidays, you may wish to be a “Griswold” with the lights, but a simple display can be tasteful and quickly-executed.

2)      You will only be good at so many things.  You will always have an area that isn’t perfect and probably never will be.  Accept this, seek help for that weakness and thrive in your strengths.  Honestly, you may dream of being a C.F.O. someday, but what if you’re really a marketing genius?  Why deny the world that gift?  An example for the holidays:  Maybe you hate wrapping gifts – but I’ll bet you could have a little helper who will both enjoy the process and impress relatives with their skills – or at least the effort.

3)      Pace yourself.  Don’t make impossible lists.  Rather, prioritize and make a deal with yourself to be happy if you only get the “A1” item done by the end of the day (or period of days, if it’s meant to be – don’t cram unreasonable expectations into a finite period!  That’s a definition of insanity.)  For the holidays, use the term “really?”  as in, are you “really” going to be able to set up and decorate the whole tree in an hour?  REALLY?  You’ll find a whole new level of honesty with yourself and with others.

4)      Take time to savor.  This is a great to-do for those weak periods in your day.  When your energy is down, plan for other peak periods.  Reflect on what’s working and what needs to change.  Just meditate and get back in focus.  Any of these are great things to do for your low-energy points.  For the holidays, don’t forget why we have the holidays in the first place!  Celebrating and commemorating shouldn’t be exhausting.

5)      Don’t expect anyone to be you.  Whether it’s a co-worker on the job or one of your kids around the house, you are you.  Your gifts and talents are what make you special and valued.  Don’t project your focus on anyone else.  They’ll only resent it and you – and productivity suffers as a result.  Find the best way for them to participate in a task that they will succeed in and involve accordingly.  Every Santa needs elves.  And neither one can be the other.

This prescription will work whether you’re a housewife (or househusband) or the C.E.O. of a fortune 500 company.  Try it for a month and see for yourself!  Happy holidays!

For the record, I believe in Santa Claus.  I refuse to discuss it, listen to naysayers or accept any form of “proof” to the contrary.  I enjoy my system of beliefs and role model them for others – including my own children.

Many worry about nurturing their inner child.  I’ve been told I have an inner adult.  There is just too much to enjoy in life and it should be enjoyed with the enthusiasm of a child.

And the holidays are a wonderful recharge for that.  Just as Halloween is embraced as an opportunity for adults to behave like children, so too should Christmas be embraced as an opportunity for adults to believe like children.

For those of you who are having trouble re-connecting, let me give you a little refresher course:

Children expect nothing and therefore are always surprised.  Adults expect everything and therefore are always disappointed.

Children don’t care about your job, title, power or the money you make.  Adults obsess over them.

Children are brutally honest.  Adults worry about other people’s issues with themselves.

Children take you at face value.  You don’t need to prove yourself to a child – their trust is yours to lose.  Adults demand undeserved respect and establish rules for propriety.

I recently met a mother and her 4 year old son at a festival my company had a presence at.  The son was full of energy and excitement – even when nothing was happening.  The anticipation of the day’s events was good enough for him.  No, he wasn’t “out of control” or “hyper,” he simply wanted to enjoy life.  He couldn’t wait to tackle the day – “carpe diem!”

The mother looked at her son and said, “I wish I had his energy.”  Setting youth aside, I’ve met a number of old, even infirmed adults with that same enthusiasm.  Energy has very little to do with it.  It’s more a choice to be.

The choice has nothing to do with possessions either.  I don’t remember a moment from my childhood where the truck I played with in the sandbox needed to be replaced with the newest model.

So where does the magic go for most of us?  When did our imagination and creativity receive the school yard beat down?

It doesn’t take an effort to enjoy life.  It’s simply a terrible habit to allow life to pass you by. Apathy is arguably the core of all major problems in the world today.

It’s a sad development in everyone’s life where practical matters outweigh abandon.  We see it in all relationships – friends, marriages, even our treatment of ourselves.  We look for leadership, and many politicians do an exceptional job of convincing us of our priorities – subjecting art and music programs to budget cuts.   Can anyone show me where a football program has been cut to promote better test scores?  I dare say that the proponents of these choices are not creative nor were they ever encouraged to be so.

So to encourage imagination, creativity and the belief in things wonderful and magical is to raise a generation of creative problem-solvers – those who ask “why not?” instead of react to problems with a quick fix.

I still don’t look for the strings at a magic show and Santa visits my house every year.  Will you try to stay awake to see him this year or wake up to coal in your stocking?

It has been said that leaders don’t worry about the competition.  They don’t even regard it.  They only focus on “raising their own bar.”

There is some real truth in that.  If your energies are divided by looking behind, you’ll lose sight of what’s ahead.  You’ll be distracted and progress will suffer.

I ran track in high school and college and one major thing you never did was look behind you in the race.  It threw off your pace, form, and could even cause you to trip and fall.  Considering some of the foul surfaces I was forced to compete on, it was dangerous to regard the competition!

So too will regarding the competition be dangerous to your business life.  You may be chasing or being chased, but to build a quality business, you need to have a quality foundation.  If there is no ethical, competent base, one can’t very well sustain anything.

I have a “competitor” who often chases us in business.  Ironically, this company (which shall remain nameless – I don’t want to disparage) has been in business decades longer and should be monopolizing the market.  Instead, I find many best practices for us emulated by them.

One would say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but in this case, their efforts are lackluster – as if they don’t speak the language of business and are mimicking what they don’t understand.

Have you seen “funny home videos” of the occasional dog who can mouth a word like “momma?”  It’s pretty cute, but the dog has no clue of what it’s saying.

So to the title, how are these experiences helpful to me?  It only proves that what my company does is preferred, and the market says it with its support.  Not only that, but many of our customers tell us what our “competition” is trying and how weasel-like it comes across.

The bottom line?  Ethics win!  Like any relationship, if you try too hard, you’ll only meet with disaster.  If you’re relaxed, know your value, and enjoy the experience, you’ll attract others to you.

Look for the comparison in your own business.  Hopefully, you’re not the desperate one.